


In the End, the Beginning

by vogue91



Category: Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: F/M, Hurt, Introspection, POV First Person, Songfic, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-14
Updated: 2018-03-14
Packaged: 2019-03-31 07:12:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,080
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13969968
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vogue91/pseuds/vogue91
Summary: I don’t know what switch flipped inside me the first time I saw her. It was like being captivated by an ancestral instinct, possessing me just to let me see her features under the moonlight.





	In the End, the Beginning

Mrs. Isabella Cullen.

Sounded like blasphemy to my ears.

Isabella Black was far more melodious, but I knew all too well that it’s not a name destined to be written.

Bella, my Bella, was about to get married, and all I could do was run.

For I was exhausted, tired of fighting. I didn’t want to give up, but the circumstances had forced me to. I was a friend, a friend that would’ve become everything to her if only those bloodsuckers had never existed.

 

_[Your faith was strong, but you needed proof]_

I knew I’ve made mistakes with her. She’s always trusted my good intentions, but she’s forgotten the fundamental rule of existence: in war and love, there are no rules.

When she’s realized that, for my heart and hers was already too late. There was nothing anymore to distract me from walking toward her, nothing erasing her face from my mind.

I’ve given her all I had to offer: me, my world, my secrets. And she’s chosen to share a bigger secret, a scarier one. A secret that was soon going to lead her to death.

 

~

 

Mrs. Isabella Cullen.

It still seems so weird.

The wedding looks more and more ridiculous, for the organization and for what it hid.

I was marrying Edward, and together I was marrying eternity.

I was probably the only girl who had never dreamt about her wedding as a child. But if I had, I would’ve expected to at least be happy.

And I was. But at the same time, I couldn’t help but thinking about Jake. My Jake.

Run, who knows where, just for my immense selfishness.

Jake had been the one to keep me alive. And I had returned the favour by killing him.

Because, I was sure, something had died in Jacob Black the day I have said ‘yes’ to Edward.

 

_[Remember when I moved in you?_

_The holy dark was moving too_

_And every breath we drew was Hallelujah]_

It hurt just having to admit it, but the days spent with Jacob where a wave of pure serenity. Of course I was little more than a wreck those days, but he’s managed to be the anchor to which I held on not to sink.

My going there to his house, almost by mistake, had changed it all. It had made me more aware, more confused, and had made of him...

No, I didn’t know what Jake was nowadays. For sure not a boy like any else, because all the others don’t turn into werewolves I guess. Even though it’s so common in La Push.

And he wasn’t happy either, because of me.

That’s it. I had made an unhappy person of him.

I didn’t know whether the awareness that Edward still loved me, that he was going to come back, would’ve changed things between us. But it didn’t matter anymore.

There weren’t the bikes anymore, there were no more walks to First Beach.

Just undefeatable regrets.

 

~

 

I’ve come to hate feelings.

I wish I could’ve watched Bella in the eyes and feeling absolutely nothing. But I hadn’t even tried that, knowing from the start that any attempt would’ve been useless.

It would’ve been like running from myself because she, willing or not, now owned a part of me and I a part of her.

The less noble part, the less wise, but the one I truly wanted to own.

 

_[Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you_

_She broke your throne_

_And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah]_

I don’t know what switch flipped inside me the first time I saw her. It was like being captivated by an ancestral instinct, possessing me just to let me see her features under the moonlight. The exact moment I told her about the one who was going to become my eternal rival.

Stupid Jake.

There it all began. And she had played her part so good to crush me.

There was nothing left of the Jacob Black from that night. Just the memory in the mind of a girl that was soon becoming a woman, that was soon ceasing being human.

She had taken all. She had destroyed my innocence or, at least, that very little I had since birth. The only thing I had left were my legs to keep running, to get as far away as possible from her.

 

~

 

I’ve come to hate feelings.

There was nothing I wasn’t willing to do to conciliate my two worlds. But I realized how impossible it was.

Someone _had to_ suffer, and I had managed to hurt all three of us.

Congratulations, Isabella Swan.

 

_[Love is not a victory march_

_It’s a cold and it’s a broken Hallelujah]_

There was no such thing as winners. Just too many unspoken words, too many things left to chance, too many decisions I didn’t have the strength to make. I loved Edward more than life itself, that much was clear, but our wedding wasn’t the triumph of our love. It was just the lesser evil, a compromise, the weapon that would’ve avoided my heart breaking. Like this, it was just torn. A wound that time wasn’t going to heal, I was all too aware of that.

There were no laughs. There were none since Jacob had run.

I was about to get married, and my best friend wasn’t going to be there.

That was a true failure for me.

 

 

~

 

I couldn’t resist.

She was there, beautiful, and I stood there watching her enjoying an happiness that she was never going to see inside my eyes.

I got closer, cautious. I didn’t know if I was there for me or just because I knew that seeing me would’ve made her incredibly happy. But there I was, and I wasn’t going to step aside and watch, like a thief waiting for the right moment.

Even though there was something to steal.

And she was there, dancing, her face red, awkward. My Bella, goofy and always embarrassed. I couldn’t help but smile.

“Hi, Bells.” I said. She looked at me, and on her face appeared a smile that made me feel just too good.

“Jake! You... you came!” she said, and I shrugged.

“Wouldn’t have missed it for the world.” I ironized. She lowered her eyes.

 

_[There was a time you’d let me know_

_What’s really going on below_

_But now you never show it to me, do you?]_

There were just too many unspoken things between us. And I knew she was never going to say them. Perhaps out of fear of hurting me, of hurting Edward... or hurting herself. But right in that moment I didn’t care about anything, the only thing I could see were her eyes and the unreality of the whole situation. I smiled. In my mind I kept seeing images of our life together, both real and belonging to a too fervid fantasy.

“You coming?” I asked her, pointing at a more private corner. I saw Edward looking at us and sigh. I knew he would’ve liked to kill me on the spot, and the awareness that by doing so he would’ve killed a part of Bella tormented him. I grinned at the thought I was untouchable.

Even though it didn’t solve a damn thing.

 

~

 

I couldn’t resist.

His look, so confident, had once again dragged me with it. Because in the end I knew I would’ve followed Jacob to the end of the world, had he asked.

It was deeply irrational and wrong. Exactly like me.

“Why did you come?” I murmured.

“I thought you had invited me.” he replied readily, defensive. I grimaced.

“You know what I mean. No one knew where you were. We were worried about you.” I pointed out. He shrugged.

“I needed to think.” he said. I stared at him, before giving in to the temptation of hugging him.

 

_[Maybe I’ve been here before_

_I know this room, I’ve walked this floor_

_I used to live alone before I knew you]_

That simple gesture triggered a whole range of feelings inside me that I couldn’t have explained. It was like... familiar. As if I could’ve recognized every inch of his skin with my eyes closed. Jacob was my home. He was stability, he was the right choice.

And, despite my cautions, I had thrown myself headfirst into the risk.

I watched that kid, taller than me, having too much innocence inside to be called a man, and I saw safety, warmth.

But I felt my beautiful cold behind my back, and I knew I couldn’t give up on it.

All of a sudden, I started crying. Jacob sighed.

“I know, Bella. It would all be easier if it wasn’t for him, right?” I managed to nod, dead inside. And I ran.

After all, he had done that. Now, it was my turn.

 

~

 

It was over.

Or, perhaps, it had never begun in the first place.  

I knew what I was going to face once I’ve decided to put myself in her hands. I knew her heart didn’t belong to me. But my path toward her was already paved, and walking it had been too easy.

Now I realized I didn’t have any directions, and that I wasn’t going to be able to come back.

 

_[And it’s not a cry you can hear at night_

_It’s not somebody who’s seen the light_

_It’s a cold and it’s a broken Hallelujah]_

And if my destiny was to search something that wasn’t there, I would’ve done that. Nothing would’ve forced me to give up on her, on my moon. Shining, sometimes gloomy and maliciously far.

There was no happiness that day. There were a boy and a girl that should’ve loved each other, and that had been separated by death.

Even though I didn’t know exactly if it would’ve been her death, or if mine was already unravelling.

I felt like screaming, but I just left, slowly.

Nothing would’ve been the same. She would’ve as well crystalized in that moment.

It wasn’t fair at all. Yet, I knew I was gonna love her anyway.

My damn Isabella Swan. After months, she had reminded me what cold meant. And I didn’t like at all what she had shown me.

But I was warmth. One way or the other, I would’ve melted that heart that was about to become ice.

And I would’ve blended it with mine.

 

~

 

It was over.

I didn’t know how Jake would’ve reacted to my escape, but I had just cut through another one of the thousand threads binding me to him.

A few more days, and the end of my humanity would’ve severed the last one.

As much as I tried, I couldn’t imagine my life without him. Without that stupid sun of mine, so childish and spoiled. And yet, so important to me.

 

_[Maybe there’s a God above_

_And all I ever learned from love_

_Was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you]_

I looked at Edward, who smiled at me. It was impossible to quantify the love I felt for him. After all, how was it possible not to love a man capable of standing all of my indecisions, all those attitudes that could’ve brought me far from him?

I sighed. I knew nothing about love. I had only been able to hurt Jake, deeply, leaving him with eternal scars.

And he couldn’t find solace at the thought that those scars were on me as well.

I hoped with all my heart he could’ve been happy. That there was a minimum of justice in this world that would’ve brought him far from me, even though I had no desire for it.

But he was my friend, and he deserved all I had ripped away from him.

Perhaps that way I would’ve felt less guilty for those impulses originating from deep inside me, the feeling that I could’ve taken his hand and run with him, instead than in a different direction, as usual.

I loved Jacob Black. He knew it, I knew it and Edward knew it.

What I didn’t know, what nobody had taught me, is that love doesn’t always end with ‘happily ever after’. Often, fairy tales lie more than we know.

I shivered. It was cold that night; I couldn’t help but smile.

Somewhere, there was an eternal source of warmth waiting for me. And I knew that sooner or later that warmth would’ve drawn me like moth to flame.

 _My_ flame.


End file.
